Saturday, 19 July 2014

'LIENUSES'..............................

"ohhhhhhh, so you are an Edo boy? I thought you're Igbo."

"It's Edo. I'm actually from the Igbenedion family. I just don't use the surname because of certain reasons." came the reply

That was peter and I talking.

"That's cool" I quipped

"Yea, I just chose to be humble about the whole thing you know, people will just see you acting normal and they won't know the kind of place you are coming from. I actually wanted to stay at k-dorms but I was told there was no vacant room and I was getting frustrated about the whole accommodation ish, that's how I ended here. I'm even supposed to be staying alone like you, but Farouk and I are in the same dept. and since he was really looking for a roommate, I just decided to help him. If not for that, how much is 50k?....................."

"Fantastic." that was all I could say after the whole super story.



Now, there are liars and there are LIARS. In my short time so far on earth, I have heard of and met some liars. I have had the pleasure and displeasure of talking with some of them. Pleasure, in the sense that they could be entertaining, especially when they think they are fooling you and are scoring points, while in fact you are giving them more opportunity to display their folly. On the other hand, displeasure in the sense that some of their lies could be sickening and make you want to slap them for insulting your intelligence.

'Locksley villa' was the hostel, and it was one of the best places on earth to be one's self without fear, intimidation or what not. however, few people, for whatever reasons, just felt they needed to put up some airs and spice things up here and there in their gists. I had the fortune of living there for two years (300 and 400 levels) and that is one phase of my life I wont ever forget. Locksley was unique because of the different sorts of characters who occupied the 20 rooms and the famous evening gatherings where no laughs were spared and 'stroking' had no limit.We had the good, bad, ugly, crazy, self righteous, prayer warrior, non aligned, liars, party freaks, borrow pose,  and the list goes on.

Being a member of the Igbenedion family is no big deal and shouldn't raise eye brows, but peter was the exact opposite of the pictures he desperately tried to paint of himself as a 'big boy'. All his shirts were 'obioma designed military style' and they got so slim fitted that he could never raise his arms. Even Farouk's ties were no longer safe, as peter found use for every piece of cloth he came across, thanks to his 'obioma'. The Farouk which Peter was allegedly 'helping' was 20 times better than Peter financially. As weird as this sounds, the underwear Peter carelessly exhibited around the hostel couldn't be used as rags by many of us, who are children of nobodies. And did I forget to mention his reputation for borrowing all sorts, even shoes? If peter's lies were written in a book, the biggest dictionaries and encyclopaedias would have nothing on him and take back seats in terms of bulk.

'Lienus' number two, who was a very interesting character, was Bayo. He seemed to have an opinion on everything, always tried to rub on us his proficiency in English language and had a gift for giving unnecessary and unsolicited details. How will I not mention his over starched shirts, (which had about a thousand creases, no thanks to NEPA, as they weren't very nice to us) which stood their own ground on his body?

I recall a day, when I innocently complimented Bayo

"Your shirt is nice"

Lo and behold, the reply I got was

"Thanks jare TJ, it's actually TM, I got it for seven thousand naira and I bought three that day. The guy who sold them..............."

And in my head I was like "lobatan oooooo, who ask you?"

The last 'Lienus', and by no means the least, was Biodun. Biodun always loved to have the final say and didn't mind shoving his opinion down anyone's throat. He was a very proud chap and his lies could have gone unnoticed, but for the phenomenal nature of one particular one.

Biodun and Dare were on the corridor, talking about God knows what when Biodun said

"Eko hotel dey owe my mama 20 billion naira..."



Sunday, 6 July 2014

NURSE OF LIFE!!!



I have had my overly fair share of the havoc a needle can cause in the hands of nurses and my buttocks are a living proof of that. To start with, I must confess that I have a phobia for injections and this dates back to my childhood. Trips to hospitals scared the hell out of me and once I was taken into the injection room, there was usually an eruption of drama and i sometimes got spanked by my angry dad or left to the mercy of the nurses by my mum. I'll never forget my screams of

"MUMMY TAKE IT FOR ME... YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"

Now, as I grew older, this phobia remained the same, the only thing that changed is the little swagger I try to add which sometimes fail me. I hate injections, Yes, but these mean nurses further add salt to wounds.At least some of the know how to inject people and give minimal pain.

The last encounter I had, which I'll never forget, happened in 2013. I was serving then, but I was home for a break i guess and I got a little ill. As the custom in my house, I had to go for a laboratory test to know exactly what was wrong, in order to get adequate treatment. The lab attendant immediately knew of my age long phobia as I began to vibrate for her, even as she opened the injection from the nylon. She laughed at me and assured me it wont hurt (how on earth will you pierce someone and think it won't hurt?). To save both of us time and deliver me from my misery ASAP, I looked away, gritted my teeth and stretched my hand. did it hurt? Of course, it always does to me, but she was nice and it was over quickly.
I was diagnosed with typhoid (thanks to the different sorts of water i drank outside my home).

I went to the hospital hoping and praying that I won't be placed on injection. As the family doctor went through the result and began to write his prescription, I didn't know when I burst out saying

"Sir, there won't be any need for injections, right? I'm not sick like that, as you can see, I'm doing OK, so drugs will be fine"

He laughed and said

"Don't tell me you are afraid of injections, big girl like you? You need injections to flush out the typhoid because of the magnitude"

Chai, this na gobe oooooo, I thought within me. I went back to the reception downcast and I was just hoping for a miracle to happen.

"MISS TOSIN JOSEPH"

That was what snapped me out of my thoughts. I slowly walked towards the injection room like i was headed for the hangman. As i got in, i hesitated to pull down my trousers, like I expected her to get the message and tell me to go in pity (I wish).

"Sister, oya na" she said.



I sighed and did as I was told but as she came close with the injection, I kept moving sideways.

"Aunty stay well oooo, so it wont wound you"

I should have just fled for the love of my buttocks but I stayed and as she inserted the needle, I couldn't help but let out

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Her hands must be made of iron because it was very painful and it took so much will for the tears in my eyes not to roll down.I walked out of the hospital with a huge frown, unable to mask my pain or form swag for the crowd at the reception.

(I THOUGHT MY MISERY WAS TEMPORARILY OVER, AT LEAST TILL EVENING)

As i got into the car, i noticed i couldn't sit well. Stupid nurse, it will soon go sha, i told myself. I got home, took my drugs and slept. As i got up in the evening to go for the evening dose, i was in pains and was just pissed off. However, the evening nurse was much better but i couldn't sleep well that night. I woke up in the morning with pains and i felt really strange in my buttocks and as i checked, i shouted

"JESUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

(MY MISERY HAD JUST STARTED)

My right buttock had doubled in size and not in a sexy way at all. it took God;s grace to go through with the remaining two doses. Did i tell you of the pain i felt? You cannot even imagine it! It took two whole weeks before i could sit normally again, thanks to ice and Robb in the hands of my grandmother and cousin, who didn't take it easy with me and were deaf to my screams. For the first one week, i couldn't sit, i just laid on my side and walking was a herculean task. Later, i had to take some time to find a comfortable sitting position.

Even as I write this, the souvenir in form of extra yansh, given to me by that cruel nurse, is still very much in sight...

Friday, 4 July 2014

FINALLY!!!

yipeeeeee!!! just as the tittle says, FINALLY!!!

I know you guys will be wondering "wasup with finally?", "what has finally happened?"
well, finally, i have set up this blog. Yea, that's wasup.  I am really excited about this because it's something i have always wanted to do, but somehow, i didn't just find the guts to do it. In truth, i got a blogger account in 2012 i think, but it just laid static. It was just today, when i was in a very blue state (we all have our blue days, right?) that the idea just crept up to me again and to God be the glory, i got the guts to do this.

So, this blog is just about gisting and talking about all sorts, from happenings in the country and world at large, to different types of people, experiences, food, events, places and just random fun stuff. As i dey so ehn, i like gist no be small... and the irony is i could be very reserved. Anyways, we'll share inspirational and educative posts too. As time goes on, you all can also send me emails on things you want me to share or want us to talk about generally...

It promises to be a whole lot of fun so just stick with me people...